I don't think I really care about anything anymore. I'm not intending for that to sound depressed or anything, I just don't think anything really matters that much to me right now. I think I'm happy :) And I've had alot of caffeine and it's really put me in a funny mood
I think at a number of points in your life you kind of need to sit back and figure out what you're doing with yourself.
On one hand, it's like hey, things aren't so bad. I'm at uni, actually going to class these days, I've got a steady job, I'm getting along with my mother for the first time in two decades and I just got my tax return. So far, so good.
Then you think about the fact that the one person you adore probably hates you because of a thoughtless, heartless thing that you did to her, and it's probably altered the course of the future for good. It's probably affected everything in your life, from what time you fall asleep at night, to the first thoughts that run through your head as you awake. It's affected the way you talk to others, the way you talk to yourself, how you judge your own character, how you judge others. It's got you feeling like complete and utter scum of the universe.
I've got this friend and I love her to bits. She's not the friend who only talks to me when the weekends coming up, nor is she the friend who uses me to vent and whine about every miniscule detail in their lives. She's not the friend who I see about once a month, who I swear to catch up with more often but I don't. She's not the friend who is secretly trying to get into my pants, or the friend who is trying to set me up with another friend. No. This girl gets everything right, down to a tee, and that's because she understands me. She's amazing and gorgeous and brilliant. She understands how I work and how I think. Probably better than even I did, because I obviously didn't understand a thing about myself if I went ahead and dogged her the way that I did. And I don't know what the hell is going on now. I feel like a giant peice of crap. As a friend described to me a long time ago, the two words I'm probably looking for to describe how I'm feeling- morally bankrupt.
But the fact of the matter is, Life is not about sticking to a moralistic path. It's about losing morals and (maybe) finding them again. People learn. People, by all means, lie and cheat and steal and throw away their souls. But they learn, or I hope they learn, to stop. But the problem is, you can only learn to stop after you've been punished. Or lost something important to you. Which I know I have. I've lost her, and I've lost faith in myself, and I've lost a large part of my self-worth.
People probably think I'm going overboard with this. Well, maybe I am because let's face it ya'll, its bloody 1am in the morning and I haven't had a decent nights sleep in a week. So I am in a bit of an intense mood. Not to mention the fact that earlier on tonight, I visited my grandparents and they were in the middle of writing a declaration of some sort, and I thought they were writing out their will. They are one of the last family members I have and the thought of losing them made me suddenly burst out crying, and I cried like I never cried before. For longer than I've ever cried. And I think I'm still on edge from that. Very on edge. I should shut up now.
I miss her.
Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking.
It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
I Corinthians 13:4-8
For everything there is a season,
And a time for every matter under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to seek, and a time to lose;
A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
A time to tear, and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate,
A time for war, and a time for peace.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
Haven't blogged in AGES! Which is kind of weird since theres been so much on my mind. Why haven't I taken the chance to vent it out over good old blogspot? No idea. Maybe I just can't be bothered typing it allllll out- it would probably take me all day.
Tell me, is it normal to constantly feel like your own actions are upsetting others, even when they're making you happy? Maybe it's just how humans behave, always having to restrain themselves from doing what they REALLY want to do because they're scared of the consequences. Always wanting what they can't have, taking for granted what they do have, yearning to do something that they can't, feeling unsatisfied with what they're permitted to do on the daily basis of their measly little lives. God I feel like there is such an injustice going on here. What are we doing, really- are we doing what we want to do, or are we doing what is expected of us? Do we even think about what we really wanna do anymore, or has it become such a taboo to do that, that we just let the idea sink away into our subconscious and eventually disappear? Sigh. I'm really sick of my life as it is. I'm sick of everyone having a different opinion about my life. If I already had a clear idea of who I am and what I want to do, I wouldn't be finding everyone else's conflicting opinions of me to be such a headfuck. I'm completely sick of this!
And one more thing. Life really seemed to be a lot more simple when I was in a relationship. Kind of funny how I thought things would change but they ended up changing for the worst.
SIGH. Look at the length! True, it was mostly split ends at the bottom by the time it had grown to this length, but at least it was long...
Short hey? Haha, I'm being a drama queen. It isn't actually that short, because it only looks like that from the front. Including the back part, it looks like this.
I don't really know what to think of it, because most of the other girls in the pageant seem to have hair grown down to their asses, and it's very well known that in Chinese culture long hair is a symbol of beauty. So my short(ish) looking hair is kind of out of place atm. But anyway enough with the complaining already. On a completely unrelated topic, these are lovely:
From Waz, for our 9 month. They are quite amazing because they're hardly showing any sign of wilting, and they've been sitting in my ill-air conditioned room basking in the glow of my computer monitor for like 5 days already. Love you Waz :)
One last thing, since this has become such a pictureful blog, I really must say that I've had the worst late-night food cravings EVER in the past few days, and the only 3 places open past midnight are Kebabs, China Bar and good old Maccas. Kebabs I love, but always make the BIGGEST mess eating them, and I don't trust the rats that hang around the Kebab joint since they are the size of small dogs. And maccas...well there is such thing as too much of a good thing!So last night Alison and I went to China Bar and I ordered the Nasi Lemak, which was sooo yummy! And now I've got a huge craving for it again, but since I have no one to go with tonight I have to settle for looking at pictures of it :( Sad I know but I love my food and I'm also quite bored.
Rice cooked in coconut milk with curry chicken, preserved vegetables, anchovies and peanuts on the side. MMmm. Food porn.
I'm glad I never slept tonight.
It's now almost 7am and I have been sitting here for a while. Thinking instead of sleeping. Well, not really thinking. I'm kind of in that weird state of not really being conscious and focused but with eyes that are still open, and seeing. I only realised something about 20 minutes ago, which kind of shows how long it took for the thought to occur to me (after all, I could have had this thought at ANY stage...but chose to only after 7 hours of sitting here).
I think I really do focus on the wrong things in life. For example, I always focus on the bad. And I always focus on what's wrong with the world, or what's wrong with other people. (Most of all, I secretly focus on what's wrong with me, but I try to keep that inside more- not working? Oh well.) Not only this, but I always focus on the surface value. Whether it's looks, or relationships with people, or relationships between other people- I give too much thought to the superficiality of things- and I'm sure someone wise and knowledgable would say how that shouldn't matter at all.
I relate pleasure to physical attraction. Being attractive, envying others who are attractive, admiring things that are attractive and aesthetically pleasing- not only is this a flawed way of perceiving things, it can be the downright WRONG outlook in plenty of situations. I seek validation for myself and for others, and judge others by physical attributes way too often. Sigh. Not an easy habit to change, once it's been formed and set in concrete.
Sometimes you just have to dissociate people's personalities from their looks. Easier said than done of course, but in the end you will think and see more clearly.
What is ugly on the outside but still beautiful inside? I tried to consider possible answers for that...my first thought was 'pug dogs'. Lol. True, they're pretty ugly on the outside whilst still being a cute, friendly breed of dog, but I don't think they quite fit into what I'm trying to work out. Second thought was 'my mum's cooking'. Her stews look like colorful vomit, but taste kinda good. Emphasis on the 'kinda'- maybe they're not so beautiful after all. Anyway, just as I was writing this, I thought of one thing.
You know that saying 'The road to hell is paved with good intentions?', well I think that is a good example of my little puzzle. OK, the saying doesn't fit perfectly here but it's sort of similar. Sometimes we do things, and say things, and behave in ways that are shocking, cruel, aggresive, terrible, you name it it could be done. Basically, we do things that are 'ugly'. But we have good intentions inside, intentions that may have gone askew, and that nonetheless makes us beautiful inside (despite how we interact on the outside). There are plenty of times where my intentions have gone askew, but to dwell on that would be a waste of time now. The only way is forward. The only way to set my life into forward motion is improvement. Not just aesthetic improvement, however necessary I think that may be, but to reconfigure my intentions and my outlook on life. And I don't doubt for a second that doing that will get me to where I wanna be. So it's 7:20am now, and I think I might sleep soon. I'll probably look back on this entry and think I was being delirious, in fact I AM delirious right now, and my shoulders hurt from hunching over the computer for so long. But I had to write all this.
:)
I absolutely LOVE this song and its lyrics:
46&2- Tool
My shadow's
Shedding skin
I've been picking
Scabs again.
I'm down
Digging through
My old muscles
Looking for a clue.
I've been crawling on my belly
Clearing out what could've been.
I've been wallowing in my own confused
And insecure delusions
For a piece to cross me over
Or a word to guide me in.
I wanna feel the changes coming down.
I wanna know what I've been hiding in
My shadow..my shadow
Change is coming through my shadow.
My shadow's shedding skin
I've been picking
My scabs again.
I've been crawling on my belly
Clearing out what could've been.
I've been wallowing in my own chaotic
And insecure delusions.
I wanna feel the change consume me,
Feel the outside turning in.
I wanna feel the metamorphosis and
Cleansing I've endured within
My shadow, my shadow
Change is coming.
Now is my time.
Listen to my muscle memory.
Contemplate what I've been clinging to.
Forty-six and two ahead of me.
I choose to live and to
Grow, take and give and to
Move, learn and love and to
Cry, kill and die and to
Be paranoid and to
Lie, hate and fear and to
Do what it takes to move through.
I choose to live and to
Lie, kill and give and to
Die, learn and love and to
Do what it takes to step through.
See my shadow changing,
Stretching up and over me.
Soften this old armor.
Hoping I can clear the way
By stepping through my shadow,
Coming out the other side.
Step into the shadow.
Forty six and two are just ahead of me.
Although I don't have a very in-depth understanding about this song, 46 + 2 refers to the number of chromosomes in the human body. A normal, intelligent human being carries 46 chromosomes, but this still isn't the highest level of evolution. There is a higher level we can evolve to, one with 48 chromosomes (or 46+2), and at this level we are at a state of ultimate consciousness, almost divine in nature, enlightened, powerful, etc etc. basically we can acheive what no other human being can.
But in order to get to this level we must first shed the skin of our previous form, change ourselves, believe in something (anything) that gives us enough strength and understanding to evolve to the next level. I think this song is about the struggle involved in trying to 'do what it takes to move through', or basically break out of your own shell and undergo metamorphisis. I relate it to running down a hallway that never finishes, towards a door that you can never reach, attempting to open it and find a stronger, more intelligent, incredibly potent new version of yourself. This song is sung and played with a kind of guttural feel...very dark and haunting in my opinion. But still brilliant :)
If I could draw you
I'd use up all the colors
Just trying
To draw who you are.
If I could read your mind
I'd cover the entire map
Just trying
To find out where your mind has been before.
If I could see things through your eyes
I'd stare back at myself
Just trying
To know how you see me.
If I could sing for you
I'd never run out of breath
Just trying
To make you hear me.
I could draw you
Sing for you
See how you do.
I could love you
Understand you
And only you.
But nothing compares,
To hearing the same
From you,
Just trying,
To tell me
That you feel it too...
Come up to meet you,
Maybe I should've started this assignment a little bit earlier. Or maybe I just shouldn't have tried so hard to avoid it! It's now 2:30am and I've added 10 words onto it in the past 5 hours...I'm really too delirious to keep going. I think I thrive off stress, but I don't actually accomplish anything at all when I'm stressed. I just run around in circles stressing about how much I have to do. Which is not good, like now for instance, I'm blogging about how tired I am when I should really just go to sleep.
I'm in such a mellow mood tonight
Been looking back through my old posts- God I loved to complain!
Didn't realise that finding oneself involved so much...negativity
It's alright
I will learn to be in a better place
I got pasted at work today by a man who wanted a further discount off a $9 t-shirt. A $9 t-shirt. Normally things at Rodd&Gunn don't even come close to being $9, and I had tightass of the century bugging me to take another 30% off. What is wrong with people these days?
My way of looking at it is. When you are on your deathbed, thinking over what you have done in your life, are you going to be proud of that time you harrassed a salesgirl into giving you a $9 shirt for only $7? It won't exactly seem like the best way to have spent your time, would it?
I don't know why people are so nit-picky nowadays. Everyones angry over something or other, and for no good reason. Everybody just seems to be complaining all the time. Well I complain a lot too, but would I complain about things like a $9 t-shirt? OK for example, everyones dissing Kevin Rudd because he had an angry outburst at a flight attendant on a plane. For God's sake, does it really matter? He lost his temper, and the last time I checked, we have ALL lost our tempers before! He's only Australia's Prime Minister, he's not Ghandi! Why do we kick up a massive fuss over shit like this, when Kevin Rudd has done WAY more important things, such as vowing to 'move heaven and earth' to improve Australia's economy? The poor guy can't win, he's giving us $900 worth of free money (that stingy guy could buy 100 tshirts!) and we're sitting here hanging poo-poo on him because he yelled at a flight attendant! Jeeeeez, the guy is trying to run a country (not to mention, a country full of COMPLAINERS), you'd think he'd be a little stressed out and short-tempered, wouldn't anyone?
I'm starting to really dread reading newspapers such as the Herald Sun, or watching Channel 10 news, because all I keep seeing are images of doom and gloom, murders, arson, kidnap the whole shebang, things which are not actual news... the Australian public are completely underinformed on topics such as recession or inflation, yet everybody is clued up on Fritzl, the Austrian guy who kept his daughter as a sex slave for 24 years! And everytime I watch the news, there is at least one shot of a little old lady clutching her purse at the shops saying "It's just disgraceful" or "It's just appalling" or "I'm just absolutely shocked" about some irrelevant topic or other! And to top it all off, the news finishes with some story about a new baby animal in the zoo or some kindergardener doing cute stuff, and then goes straight to 30 minutes of pure, hardcore sports tonight! What do we even learn from watching the news, apart from how to blame politicians for everything and what murders/deaths have occurred when/where in the past 24 hours?
Anyway, that rant went on for MUCH longer than expected. I only initially intended to post some stuff that makes me happy when I'm feeling a little deflated:
1. The Hey Jude baby. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KNHLywCfnHI
This baby is basically the best baby ever. It's asian, it sings, it says 'berrer' instead of better and it knows the Beatles. AND it can hold up an adult sized guitar! This baby could cheer me up forever.
2. Everything by The Lonely Island, like The 'Bu. Everything these guys make is funny!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qKMesCAe44Q&feature=PlayList&p=670CCE81C6D7F669&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=8
3. The smell of the ground just after it's rained.
4. All my homemade CD's (minus the ones I made when I was going through a metalhead phase)
5. Waz at my front door.
Give me ten minutes
To look at my life
Let me give you a list
Of what I came up with
I got a conscience somewhere
But it's trapped inside
I got a problem with drink
I like to underthink
Give me ten seconds
And I'll decide
What's wrong or right
What's black and white
Love makes a fool
Out of you and I
So just think twice
About playing nice...
Because all these dreams make a better me
All these dreams just make a better me
I want to believe that you can't see
The worst of me
The worst of me
Everything over here is incredible but I don't have any time to blog!!
I'm having the best time with Waz. We're in another country with no worries, no responsibilities, no parents, nothing even semi-related to Australia, no Uni, no part-time jobs, and its amazing! I am loving this guy more and more each day!
I wanna live in China!!
Sometimes your head is so clouded, not with thoughts, but rather with nothing at all, with non-descript, little bits and peice that cannot be distinguished from each other. With fuzzy little black clouds obstructing the path to a carefree existence. And you don't know why...has it always been like this? Or do you impose it upon yourself because you don't know better, because you don't know any different, because you're accustomed to living your life in this way and you just keep on doing so, unhappy with yourself but unwilling to try a different approach?
My manager at work says, you create your own reality.
I wish saturday nights didn't exist...
The worlds best airline complaint letter, sent to Richard Branson of Virgin airlines.
http://www.watoday.com.au/travel/travel-news/the-worlds-best-airline-complaint-letter-20090130-7tgo.html
Hilarious!
I'm leaving in 3 days =] and despite this stupid heatwave, my grandma hassling me every spare moment she has about bringing thermal pants and antiseptic cream, me feeling rather sick at the moment, not really being able to have a going away thing, and being low on cash till 3 days after I've left already, I'm GOING ANYWAY!! nyah nyah nyah.
Happy CNY everybody! Hope this year is awesome for all of you. This is one of the few times in the year where I truly get to feel ASIAN! =]
Oooooooooooh.
There is a giant red lump on my arm from the vaccination needle. And it's still growing.
I haven't blogged in ages but I think it's actually quite healthy to let out my own frustrations directly towards with the world, or just with people I get angry at, instead of online. I saw that fat customer bitch from Sofias in Coles the other day though, and didn't say anything. She didn't recognise me, but then again she was probably so busy looking for cans of whipped cream to buy and spray in her mouth that she didn't see me. Hmmm guess I'm still not venting the healthy way after all. There are definetly a few things I would rather write about on here.
It doesn't matter (about that bitch) and anywho, I don't work at Sofias anymore. I'm really actually enjoying my not-so-new-now job at Rodd & Gunn. I'm slowly but surely getting sucked into the world of retail; the dissapointment when customers can't find the right sizes, the pressure to meet daily budgets, the calming process of folding shirts, even if they are factory outlet shirts that are XXXL with obscene candy stripes that no one will ever buy....the whole vibe of retail is incredible, when you compare it to customer service. It's actually fun. Except for the radio- we have it permanently stuck on 101.1 and let me tell you, that station is bearable for a few minutes, maybe half an hour, but its TORTURE after hours, days, weeks...I now detest Hot n Cold by Katy Perry!! I secretly switched it to Nova one day, and Love Lockdown was playing....it made me so happy. But then I had to change it back. Oh the life of a lowly salesgirl, one day I will be allowed to play whatever I want.
And one last thing- China is VERY SOON! Time to get away from Aus. With the man I love :)
What does it mean to be a bad person?
Are you a bad person if you steal? What if you are stealing from others because you feel that all the posessions you own are worthless? Are you a bad person if you lie? What if you lie because you think how you truly feel may hurt someone? What if you lie about your life because you feel like you've got to, because you're so unhappy with the way things are, with the way you are? Are you a bad person if you envy others? Are you a bad person for hating someones success? Do all these things indicate that you're a bad person, or do they just indicate that you have a bad case of low self-esteem?
Am I a bad person because no matter how much people seem to like me, or how much they perceive me as a good person, deep down I just feel like I'm always the exact opposite? Theres a song by Three Day's Grace called Pain. It goes I can't get enough... cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all...maybe that's what I'm doing. Maybe I'm addicted to feeling depressed. When I'm high, I'm high, but when I'm low I'm just unbelievably low. There are days when I'm convinced that I am worth nothing, there are days when I look at my mother and can tell she had hoped for something better. I can't fathom how I'm always just stuck in this rut; thinking the worst of everything and of myself when theres nothing to feel bad about, trying to justify every pessimistic thought some way or another and just never really taking any action to change it once and for all. The more I dig, the deeper I fall, and the harder it is for me to crawl out.
And it's crazy because I know that in a couple of nights time, I'm going to be in a cheerful again, and my short-term memory will refuse to acknowledge that such a sad episode as tonights ever existed at all. And then, what a surprise, the cheeriness will eventually wear away, and I'll be wanting another chance to wallow in some more depression. I'm just insane these days.
I am starting to really itch to get out of Australia. I am counting down the days till China. Going, going....
I've made it through the night! 0 hours sleep. The sun is starting to rise outside. I think I might take a nap. At least I made it through the night without getting hacked to death!! Which doesn't really matter because I'm going to die at work today anyway. I start in 3.5 hours, should I try and sleep? I watched an episode of 30 days and it was soo interesting. They got an anti-gun activist lady to live with a family of gun-enthusiasts for a month. And I think they were supposed to yell and scream at each other, but they actually ended up providing some really reasonable and sane arguments supporting each respective party, and now I know a little bit more about gun control in the United States, because that's all morning television on a Saturday is. United States stuff. I watched an episode of Good Morning America and learnt how to make vegetable and dumpling soup. Comfort food that is guilt-free due to the lack of calories. I also learnt that Michelle Obama is now the 'first lady of fashion' and that whatever she wears now will inspire millions of women across the US and motivate them to stimulate the economy by making many similar retail purchases. I think I would have been better off sleeping.
Can I just say that I absolutely hate sleeping alone in the house. I can hear something fidgeting in my front yard.....its probably a bird....it could also be a psychotic serial killer......but probably a bird.
Hate hate hate sleeping alone.
I tend to be a bit behind everyone else when it comes to technology. Like my computer is the size of a brick shithouse and I think I have Windows ME (aka Mistake Edition). I have like....32GB RAM and my floppy drives broken, and I have like 10000000000 viruses that I don't even know where they came from, and have had NO SOUND for about 2 years now.....I don't think I could be any more worse off when it comes to my computer. And I have an ipod but my computer system is so old it is not compatible with iTunes, and I lost my iPod headphones so I can't listen to my old mp3 player either....plus, my mobile phone is an old nokia that shuts off and restarts every 10 minutes (this I don't mind so much because I always lose my phones anyway).
So this year all (well, almost all) I want is a laptop. And I want to be able to record some of my songs on it. And while I'm at it, I want a new guitar. That'll make me really, really happy. Watch out for me on Youtube (as soon as I save enough to be able to buy a lappy, which might be awhile....but it will happen). I wouldn't mind busking either, but I would so much rather do it with a friend. If just one of these goals come true, I'm gonna be pretty effing over the moon...but first thing I'd do, is make Waz a cd.. =]
I felt like blogging but I wasn't completely sure about what to write.
My life is a fish bowl, I think.
I feel like a fish, swimming round and round in circles, and everytime I shit it just ends up hitting me in the face again because all I know how to do is swim in a circle and return to the shit. Metaphorically. See I don't even know if that makes sense. All I know is that I am just really tired of being who I am. It's like living with someone who annoys the shit out of you, everyday, for the rest of your life. Only I'm the one annoying myself.
I annoy myself because I can't make my life match my intentions. And I annoy myself because I never get around to fixing my own flaws. Probably a little unreasonable, I guess. You can't just expect these kinds of problems to go away. Flaws can't always be fixed. No matter how well-intentioned I may be, I end up doing stupid shit that gets me nowhere- that keeps me going in circles. This is how I have been for as long as I remember. I went out with my family for dinner tonight and I remember seeing people on the streets, just walking around, completely immersed in their own lives, in their own private thoughts, moments, situations. And then I remember thinking really wearily, fuck. My life is about them. My life is just about dealing with others. Everyones life is about dealing with others. At the end of the day I just spend my life working out who I'm gonna work for, who I'm gonna impress, who I will be taking care of, who I am letting down, who I love, hate, feel indifferent towards, who I'm going to treat like a king and who I'm going to treat like shit. My life is just going to be all about meeting people, nominating them, rearranging all the little figures in my life, establishing some kind of network and just spending the rest of my life trying to deal with that network, those figures.
I know this barely even makes sense. I wonder if those other people feel as dissatisfied with themselves as I do. I wonder if they know that they may think they're living for themselves, but they're actually living for the rest of the world. I have a tiny but perfect example (well it seems perfect to me anyway). My mother was complaining that everyone in her workplace is sick, and that now when she goes to work she's going to become sick too. So I said to her, why don't you just wear a mouth guard to work. My grandparents walk around with mouthgaurds on all the time. I told her, you can take it off when you deal with outside clients but when you're just at that computer all day,you can wear a mouth guard. Anyway she looked at me like I was crazy. I can't do that, she said, people are going to think I'm crazy. Well fine, I said, enjoy your cold. It's not about doing things to protect yourself, it's about doing things to protect other peoples perception of who you are. In a perfect world, where people aren't dickheads and judge each other for things like that, my mum would be able to wear a mouth gaurd to work and not get sick. In a perfect world, people will not think I'm insane for putting tomato sauce on rice. For fucks sake, they're just 2 food ingredients, I will put them together if I want to. God did not create a bunch of food and then say that we could only eat certain things together. People who create so many rules for life should just get over themselves. And in a perfect world, I will be able to voice everything I am thinking, and my voice will reach everyone I want it to, and they will understand who I am.
I am even reading what I have written and thinking that I sound fucking stupid. I think the whole point to this is that tonight, just tonight, I'm tired of people. I'm tired of trying to figure people out when I can't even figure myself out. I give myself a headache just thinking about useless shit. <----see? Another flaw that I have to fix, but won't.
At first I was going to do a bit of thinking before this entry. I think I made that pretty clear in my last one. Figure out what I was going to say, make it articulate, make it work. Make it interesting to read. But honestly, I don't want to dress up my words anymore. To be honest I've never impulsively blogged before, there always has to be some kind of issue at hand, that I've meditated over, that I eventually determine how to express through my words on this thing. But blogging whatever I felt, at that exact moment in which I felt it, no. I can't do that.
Because it puts me on the spot and it makes me fret over whether or not the entry sounded just right, whether it made me come across as the type of person I wanted. It's all very stressful, it's so unnecessary and stupid, and it's something that I avoid, because I have always avoided stress, in addition to confrontation, and the possibility of being misunderstood.
But I'm misunderstood anyway. So I guess it doesn't really matter. I've decided, in recent times, that it's probably best to just go with my intuition, and say or write what I am actually thinking, in that moment, instead premeditating and searching for the socially desirable answer, or the answer that would win me more friends.
Let me tell you a story.
Back in August this year, I went to a party with an ex-boyfriend. I had met some of his friends before, but never such a big crowd within the one setting, everybody talking, drinking and sticking to their own social clan. I knew, even before going to the party, that I would be painfully shy and unable to talk to many people. I knew this, but thought that maybe if I just went and winged it, things would not turn out so badly.
Well, they did. My ex did not hold on to my hand all night; this made me nervous. I talked to one girl that I recognised from Uni, for quite a long time, and everybody else I just shut out. Not because I didn't want to talk to them; I was dying to talk to them. But I couldn't. Because I didn't feel validated, I didn't feel accepted, there were these girls, in their acid washed jeans, perfect haircuts and gladiator heels, and they just scared the shit out of me. I was terrified of meeting new people, talking to them, showing them who I was.
And so I became withdrawn, not just withdrawn, but angry at my ex for supposedly abandoning me with strangers. I ended up having a few too many and bursting into tears in the backyard, calling a friend and begging her to come pick me up. And when my ex came down and asked me what was wrong, I could only cry. I couldn't give him a proper reason, because back then I didn't know what the reason was either.
But it was only a short while ago that I discovered how his friends, at that party, thought of me as a bitch. And called me high maintennance. I know I have been stressing over this label for weeks now; I know the average person would be thinking 'who gives a shit, honestly', but you try going somewhere, and meaning well, but being unable to break out of your own cage and ultimately being completely misunderstood and despised, being labelled as the exact opposite of what you were trying to be. And no, not just on the one occasion, but almost every time you meet somebody new.
Probably the whole reason for this is because you have such a low sense of self-esteem, that you know before meeting somebody that they will hate you, or at the very least find you boring and unattractive. And then when you do meet them, you are boring and unattractive, because you fucking told yourself you would be, and that's all you know how to behave as.
A strange thought, isn't it? And it's been bugging me for so long. I haven't even managed to explain it properly. But it's one of my many problems, and if it wasn't for Waz I would not be able to understand or appreciate the severity of the handicap that this problem places on me. In the past few days, Waz and I have fought, come together, broken up and reunited, and after much soul-searching I have realised that he is the one I live for. And it's sad, because he never needed to realise this; he had known it all along. And I'm finally catching up to him, and the love between us feels brand new, because I am now seeing him in a completely different light. I can honest to God say that he is the only person who really made an effort to understand my problems; the only person to love me, despite what my problems imposed on my behaviour, and our relationship, the only person who could ever bring such a huge positive out of a negative. Faith can move mountains, and I really do believe that Waz has faith in me, and just knowing that gives me faith in myself.
Now, I look back at my other relationships and I laugh. If they weren't just stupid boys chasing pretty things, then they were people in love with my qualities, and that love faded when my qualities faded away. They 'loved' me because I was this and that, or they wanted me because they wanted a root. And it's become apparent to me that they were all dumbasses.
Well no, I can't call them that, but to be quite honest, I actually feel sorry for them. Because they have never really had the privelege of falling in love with a person, and loving every tiny aspect of them, every corner of their mind, every little thing they do. They may have thought they were in love with me, but the truth is they weren't, because their love dissapeared when our relationships crumbled. They were only ever in love with my presence.
And I pity them, because I don't think they will ever truly understand what it means to love a person so much that you are unwilling to let them go, even after they have hurt you, and shown you how utterly confused they are on the inside; instead, you fight for them, dig to the root of the problem and destroy it, or at least make it your aim in life to destroy it. And that is exactly what he did. He is like my hero.
I don't think I have ever understood a love as deep as me and Waz, because I have never understood anything, period. I just took things as they came, never appreciating it, never stopping to think about what it truly was, and what it truly meant to me. Well, I am stopping to think about things now. And I can honestly say that I have never felt more appreciated, more wonderful, more loved. And I will never appreciate another man, because Waz is the only man out there for me.
And I know I'm still a baby, but after what happened I feel a thousand times older, like I've thrown away the old looking-glass and been gifted with a new one. And I am so grateful to Waz for everything he has put up with, not only in the past few days but in the past 4 months, and he had better realise that I am going to spend the rest of my days proving to him how grateful I am. He is so beautiful, when he laughs, when he cries, when he gets mad and stomps around the house. When he talks with his mouth full of food, when he calls me by my Chinese name, when he just lies there and tells me to hug him! When he says he doesn't want a massage but we both know that he will give in 5 seconds later. When he drives to my house in his blue Astra and walks to my front door and I never have the key. When he tells me I'm beautiful and that he loves me. I smile because he smiles, and he smiles because I smile. I love you baby, you've got me feeling sky high.
It's been an absolutely exhausting few days, and when I get the time to, I will sit down and write out everything that needs to be. But right now, I am just going to watch TV and eat a bowl of noodles, not the instant crap but home made beef and vegetable soup with egg noodles, and enjoy the quiet for a little bit.
Updating this soon.
