miss stina

I think at a number of points in your life you kind of need to sit back and figure out what you're doing with yourself.

On one hand, it's like hey, things aren't so bad. I'm at uni, actually going to class these days, I've got a steady job, I'm getting along with my mother for the first time in two decades and I just got my tax return. So far, so good.

Then you think about the fact that the one person you adore probably hates you because of a thoughtless, heartless thing that you did to her, and it's probably altered the course of the future for good. It's probably affected everything in your life, from what time you fall asleep at night, to the first thoughts that run through your head as you awake. It's affected the way you talk to others, the way you talk to yourself, how you judge your own character, how you judge others. It's got you feeling like complete and utter scum of the universe.

I've got this friend and I love her to bits. She's not the friend who only talks to me when the weekends coming up, nor is she the friend who uses me to vent and whine about every miniscule detail in their lives. She's not the friend who I see about once a month, who I swear to catch up with more often but I don't. She's not the friend who is secretly trying to get into my pants, or the friend who is trying to set me up with another friend. No. This girl gets everything right, down to a tee, and that's because she understands me. She's amazing and gorgeous and brilliant. She understands how I work and how I think. Probably better than even I did, because I obviously didn't understand a thing about myself if I went ahead and dogged her the way that I did. And I don't know what the hell is going on now. I feel like a giant peice of crap. As a friend described to me a long time ago, the two words I'm probably looking for to describe how I'm feeling- morally bankrupt.

But the fact of the matter is, Life is not about sticking to a moralistic path. It's about losing morals and (maybe) finding them again. People learn. People, by all means, lie and cheat and steal and throw away their souls. But they learn, or I hope they learn, to stop. But the problem is, you can only learn to stop after you've been punished. Or lost something important to you. Which I know I have. I've lost her, and I've lost faith in myself, and I've lost a large part of my self-worth.

People probably think I'm going overboard with this. Well, maybe I am because let's face it ya'll, its bloody 1am in the morning and I haven't had a decent nights sleep in a week. So I am in a bit of an intense mood. Not to mention the fact that earlier on tonight, I visited my grandparents and they were in the middle of writing a declaration of some sort, and I thought they were writing out their will. They are one of the last family members I have and the thought of losing them made me suddenly burst out crying, and I cried like I never cried before. For longer than I've ever cried. And I think I'm still on edge from that. Very on edge. I should shut up now.

I miss her.