SIGH. Look at the length! True, it was mostly split ends at the bottom by the time it had grown to this length, but at least it was long...
Short hey? Haha, I'm being a drama queen. It isn't actually that short, because it only looks like that from the front. Including the back part, it looks like this.
I don't really know what to think of it, because most of the other girls in the pageant seem to have hair grown down to their asses, and it's very well known that in Chinese culture long hair is a symbol of beauty. So my short(ish) looking hair is kind of out of place atm. But anyway enough with the complaining already. On a completely unrelated topic, these are lovely:
From Waz, for our 9 month. They are quite amazing because they're hardly showing any sign of wilting, and they've been sitting in my ill-air conditioned room basking in the glow of my computer monitor for like 5 days already. Love you Waz :)
One last thing, since this has become such a pictureful blog, I really must say that I've had the worst late-night food cravings EVER in the past few days, and the only 3 places open past midnight are Kebabs, China Bar and good old Maccas. Kebabs I love, but always make the BIGGEST mess eating them, and I don't trust the rats that hang around the Kebab joint since they are the size of small dogs. And maccas...well there is such thing as too much of a good thing!So last night Alison and I went to China Bar and I ordered the Nasi Lemak, which was sooo yummy! And now I've got a huge craving for it again, but since I have no one to go with tonight I have to settle for looking at pictures of it :( Sad I know but I love my food and I'm also quite bored.
Rice cooked in coconut milk with curry chicken, preserved vegetables, anchovies and peanuts on the side. MMmm. Food porn.
I'm glad I never slept tonight.
It's now almost 7am and I have been sitting here for a while. Thinking instead of sleeping. Well, not really thinking. I'm kind of in that weird state of not really being conscious and focused but with eyes that are still open, and seeing. I only realised something about 20 minutes ago, which kind of shows how long it took for the thought to occur to me (after all, I could have had this thought at ANY stage...but chose to only after 7 hours of sitting here).
I think I really do focus on the wrong things in life. For example, I always focus on the bad. And I always focus on what's wrong with the world, or what's wrong with other people. (Most of all, I secretly focus on what's wrong with me, but I try to keep that inside more- not working? Oh well.) Not only this, but I always focus on the surface value. Whether it's looks, or relationships with people, or relationships between other people- I give too much thought to the superficiality of things- and I'm sure someone wise and knowledgable would say how that shouldn't matter at all.
I relate pleasure to physical attraction. Being attractive, envying others who are attractive, admiring things that are attractive and aesthetically pleasing- not only is this a flawed way of perceiving things, it can be the downright WRONG outlook in plenty of situations. I seek validation for myself and for others, and judge others by physical attributes way too often. Sigh. Not an easy habit to change, once it's been formed and set in concrete.
Sometimes you just have to dissociate people's personalities from their looks. Easier said than done of course, but in the end you will think and see more clearly.
What is ugly on the outside but still beautiful inside? I tried to consider possible answers for that...my first thought was 'pug dogs'. Lol. True, they're pretty ugly on the outside whilst still being a cute, friendly breed of dog, but I don't think they quite fit into what I'm trying to work out. Second thought was 'my mum's cooking'. Her stews look like colorful vomit, but taste kinda good. Emphasis on the 'kinda'- maybe they're not so beautiful after all. Anyway, just as I was writing this, I thought of one thing.
You know that saying 'The road to hell is paved with good intentions?', well I think that is a good example of my little puzzle. OK, the saying doesn't fit perfectly here but it's sort of similar. Sometimes we do things, and say things, and behave in ways that are shocking, cruel, aggresive, terrible, you name it it could be done. Basically, we do things that are 'ugly'. But we have good intentions inside, intentions that may have gone askew, and that nonetheless makes us beautiful inside (despite how we interact on the outside). There are plenty of times where my intentions have gone askew, but to dwell on that would be a waste of time now. The only way is forward. The only way to set my life into forward motion is improvement. Not just aesthetic improvement, however necessary I think that may be, but to reconfigure my intentions and my outlook on life. And I don't doubt for a second that doing that will get me to where I wanna be. So it's 7:20am now, and I think I might sleep soon. I'll probably look back on this entry and think I was being delirious, in fact I AM delirious right now, and my shoulders hurt from hunching over the computer for so long. But I had to write all this.
:)
I absolutely LOVE this song and its lyrics:
46&2- Tool
My shadow's
Shedding skin
I've been picking
Scabs again.
I'm down
Digging through
My old muscles
Looking for a clue.
I've been crawling on my belly
Clearing out what could've been.
I've been wallowing in my own confused
And insecure delusions
For a piece to cross me over
Or a word to guide me in.
I wanna feel the changes coming down.
I wanna know what I've been hiding in
My shadow..my shadow
Change is coming through my shadow.
My shadow's shedding skin
I've been picking
My scabs again.
I've been crawling on my belly
Clearing out what could've been.
I've been wallowing in my own chaotic
And insecure delusions.
I wanna feel the change consume me,
Feel the outside turning in.
I wanna feel the metamorphosis and
Cleansing I've endured within
My shadow, my shadow
Change is coming.
Now is my time.
Listen to my muscle memory.
Contemplate what I've been clinging to.
Forty-six and two ahead of me.
I choose to live and to
Grow, take and give and to
Move, learn and love and to
Cry, kill and die and to
Be paranoid and to
Lie, hate and fear and to
Do what it takes to move through.
I choose to live and to
Lie, kill and give and to
Die, learn and love and to
Do what it takes to step through.
See my shadow changing,
Stretching up and over me.
Soften this old armor.
Hoping I can clear the way
By stepping through my shadow,
Coming out the other side.
Step into the shadow.
Forty six and two are just ahead of me.
Although I don't have a very in-depth understanding about this song, 46 + 2 refers to the number of chromosomes in the human body. A normal, intelligent human being carries 46 chromosomes, but this still isn't the highest level of evolution. There is a higher level we can evolve to, one with 48 chromosomes (or 46+2), and at this level we are at a state of ultimate consciousness, almost divine in nature, enlightened, powerful, etc etc. basically we can acheive what no other human being can.
But in order to get to this level we must first shed the skin of our previous form, change ourselves, believe in something (anything) that gives us enough strength and understanding to evolve to the next level. I think this song is about the struggle involved in trying to 'do what it takes to move through', or basically break out of your own shell and undergo metamorphisis. I relate it to running down a hallway that never finishes, towards a door that you can never reach, attempting to open it and find a stronger, more intelligent, incredibly potent new version of yourself. This song is sung and played with a kind of guttural feel...very dark and haunting in my opinion. But still brilliant :)
