miss stina

The worlds best airline complaint letter, sent to Richard Branson of Virgin airlines.

http://www.watoday.com.au/travel/travel-news/the-worlds-best-airline-complaint-letter-20090130-7tgo.html

Hilarious!

I'm leaving in 3 days =] and despite this stupid heatwave, my grandma hassling me every spare moment she has about bringing thermal pants and antiseptic cream, me feeling rather sick at the moment, not really being able to have a going away thing, and being low on cash till 3 days after I've left already, I'm GOING ANYWAY!! nyah nyah nyah.

Happy CNY everybody! Hope this year is awesome for all of you. This is one of the few times in the year where I truly get to feel ASIAN! =]

Oooooooooooh.

There is a giant red lump on my arm from the vaccination needle. And it's still growing.

I haven't blogged in ages but I think it's actually quite healthy to let out my own frustrations directly towards with the world, or just with people I get angry at, instead of online. I saw that fat customer bitch from Sofias in Coles the other day though, and didn't say anything. She didn't recognise me, but then again she was probably so busy looking for cans of whipped cream to buy and spray in her mouth that she didn't see me. Hmmm guess I'm still not venting the healthy way after all. There are definetly a few things I would rather write about on here.

It doesn't matter (about that bitch) and anywho, I don't work at Sofias anymore. I'm really actually enjoying my not-so-new-now job at Rodd & Gunn. I'm slowly but surely getting sucked into the world of retail; the dissapointment when customers can't find the right sizes, the pressure to meet daily budgets, the calming process of folding shirts, even if they are factory outlet shirts that are XXXL with obscene candy stripes that no one will ever buy....the whole vibe of retail is incredible, when you compare it to customer service. It's actually fun. Except for the radio- we have it permanently stuck on 101.1 and let me tell you, that station is bearable for a few minutes, maybe half an hour, but its TORTURE after hours, days, weeks...I now detest Hot n Cold by Katy Perry!! I secretly switched it to Nova one day, and Love Lockdown was playing....it made me so happy. But then I had to change it back. Oh the life of a lowly salesgirl, one day I will be allowed to play whatever I want.

And one last thing- China is VERY SOON! Time to get away from Aus. With the man I love :)

What does it mean to be a bad person?

Are you a bad person if you steal? What if you are stealing from others because you feel that all the posessions you own are worthless? Are you a bad person if you lie? What if you lie because you think how you truly feel may hurt someone? What if you lie about your life because you feel like you've got to, because you're so unhappy with the way things are, with the way you are? Are you a bad person if you envy others? Are you a bad person for hating someones success? Do all these things indicate that you're a bad person, or do they just indicate that you have a bad case of low self-esteem?

Am I a bad person because no matter how much people seem to like me, or how much they perceive me as a good person, deep down I just feel like I'm always the exact opposite? Theres a song by Three Day's Grace called Pain. It goes I can't get enough... cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all...maybe that's what I'm doing. Maybe I'm addicted to feeling depressed. When I'm high, I'm high, but when I'm low I'm just unbelievably low. There are days when I'm convinced that I am worth nothing, there are days when I look at my mother and can tell she had hoped for something better. I can't fathom how I'm always just stuck in this rut; thinking the worst of everything and of myself when theres nothing to feel bad about, trying to justify every pessimistic thought some way or another and just never really taking any action to change it once and for all. The more I dig, the deeper I fall, and the harder it is for me to crawl out.

And it's crazy because I know that in a couple of nights time, I'm going to be in a cheerful again, and my short-term memory will refuse to acknowledge that such a sad episode as tonights ever existed at all. And then, what a surprise, the cheeriness will eventually wear away, and I'll be wanting another chance to wallow in some more depression. I'm just insane these days.

I am starting to really itch to get out of Australia. I am counting down the days till China. Going, going....

I've made it through the night! 0 hours sleep. The sun is starting to rise outside. I think I might take a nap. At least I made it through the night without getting hacked to death!! Which doesn't really matter because I'm going to die at work today anyway. I start in 3.5 hours, should I try and sleep? I watched an episode of 30 days and it was soo interesting. They got an anti-gun activist lady to live with a family of gun-enthusiasts for a month. And I think they were supposed to yell and scream at each other, but they actually ended up providing some really reasonable and sane arguments supporting each respective party, and now I know a little bit more about gun control in the United States, because that's all morning television on a Saturday is. United States stuff. I watched an episode of Good Morning America and learnt how to make vegetable and dumpling soup. Comfort food that is guilt-free due to the lack of calories. I also learnt that Michelle Obama is now the 'first lady of fashion' and that whatever she wears now will inspire millions of women across the US and motivate them to stimulate the economy by making many similar retail purchases. I think I would have been better off sleeping.

Can I just say that I absolutely hate sleeping alone in the house. I can hear something fidgeting in my front yard.....its probably a bird....it could also be a psychotic serial killer......but probably a bird.

Hate hate hate sleeping alone.

I tend to be a bit behind everyone else when it comes to technology. Like my computer is the size of a brick shithouse and I think I have Windows ME (aka Mistake Edition). I have like....32GB RAM and my floppy drives broken, and I have like 10000000000 viruses that I don't even know where they came from, and have had NO SOUND for about 2 years now.....I don't think I could be any more worse off when it comes to my computer. And I have an ipod but my computer system is so old it is not compatible with iTunes, and I lost my iPod headphones so I can't listen to my old mp3 player either....plus, my mobile phone is an old nokia that shuts off and restarts every 10 minutes (this I don't mind so much because I always lose my phones anyway).

So this year all (well, almost all) I want is a laptop. And I want to be able to record some of my songs on it. And while I'm at it, I want a new guitar. That'll make me really, really happy. Watch out for me on Youtube (as soon as I save enough to be able to buy a lappy, which might be awhile....but it will happen). I wouldn't mind busking either, but I would so much rather do it with a friend. If just one of these goals come true, I'm gonna be pretty effing over the moon...but first thing I'd do, is make Waz a cd.. =]

I felt like blogging but I wasn't completely sure about what to write.

My life is a fish bowl, I think.

I feel like a fish, swimming round and round in circles, and everytime I shit it just ends up hitting me in the face again because all I know how to do is swim in a circle and return to the shit. Metaphorically. See I don't even know if that makes sense. All I know is that I am just really tired of being who I am. It's like living with someone who annoys the shit out of you, everyday, for the rest of your life. Only I'm the one annoying myself.

I annoy myself because I can't make my life match my intentions. And I annoy myself because I never get around to fixing my own flaws. Probably a little unreasonable, I guess. You can't just expect these kinds of problems to go away. Flaws can't always be fixed. No matter how well-intentioned I may be, I end up doing stupid shit that gets me nowhere- that keeps me going in circles. This is how I have been for as long as I remember. I went out with my family for dinner tonight and I remember seeing people on the streets, just walking around, completely immersed in their own lives, in their own private thoughts, moments, situations. And then I remember thinking really wearily, fuck. My life is about them. My life is just about dealing with others. Everyones life is about dealing with others. At the end of the day I just spend my life working out who I'm gonna work for, who I'm gonna impress, who I will be taking care of, who I am letting down, who I love, hate, feel indifferent towards, who I'm going to treat like a king and who I'm going to treat like shit. My life is just going to be all about meeting people, nominating them, rearranging all the little figures in my life, establishing some kind of network and just spending the rest of my life trying to deal with that network, those figures.

I know this barely even makes sense. I wonder if those other people feel as dissatisfied with themselves as I do. I wonder if they know that they may think they're living for themselves, but they're actually living for the rest of the world. I have a tiny but perfect example (well it seems perfect to me anyway). My mother was complaining that everyone in her workplace is sick, and that now when she goes to work she's going to become sick too. So I said to her, why don't you just wear a mouth guard to work. My grandparents walk around with mouthgaurds on all the time. I told her, you can take it off when you deal with outside clients but when you're just at that computer all day,you can wear a mouth guard. Anyway she looked at me like I was crazy. I can't do that, she said, people are going to think I'm crazy. Well fine, I said, enjoy your cold. It's not about doing things to protect yourself, it's about doing things to protect other peoples perception of who you are. In a perfect world, where people aren't dickheads and judge each other for things like that, my mum would be able to wear a mouth gaurd to work and not get sick. In a perfect world, people will not think I'm insane for putting tomato sauce on rice. For fucks sake, they're just 2 food ingredients, I will put them together if I want to. God did not create a bunch of food and then say that we could only eat certain things together. People who create so many rules for life should just get over themselves. And in a perfect world, I will be able to voice everything I am thinking, and my voice will reach everyone I want it to, and they will understand who I am.

I am even reading what I have written and thinking that I sound fucking stupid. I think the whole point to this is that tonight, just tonight, I'm tired of people. I'm tired of trying to figure people out when I can't even figure myself out. I give myself a headache just thinking about useless shit. <----see? Another flaw that I have to fix, but won't.

At first I was going to do a bit of thinking before this entry. I think I made that pretty clear in my last one. Figure out what I was going to say, make it articulate, make it work. Make it interesting to read. But honestly, I don't want to dress up my words anymore. To be honest I've never impulsively blogged before, there always has to be some kind of issue at hand, that I've meditated over, that I eventually determine how to express through my words on this thing. But blogging whatever I felt, at that exact moment in which I felt it, no. I can't do that.

Because it puts me on the spot and it makes me fret over whether or not the entry sounded just right, whether it made me come across as the type of person I wanted. It's all very stressful, it's so unnecessary and stupid, and it's something that I avoid, because I have always avoided stress, in addition to confrontation, and the possibility of being misunderstood.

But I'm misunderstood anyway. So I guess it doesn't really matter. I've decided, in recent times, that it's probably best to just go with my intuition, and say or write what I am actually thinking, in that moment, instead premeditating and searching for the socially desirable answer, or the answer that would win me more friends.

Let me tell you a story.

Back in August this year, I went to a party with an ex-boyfriend. I had met some of his friends before, but never such a big crowd within the one setting, everybody talking, drinking and sticking to their own social clan. I knew, even before going to the party, that I would be painfully shy and unable to talk to many people. I knew this, but thought that maybe if I just went and winged it, things would not turn out so badly.

Well, they did. My ex did not hold on to my hand all night; this made me nervous. I talked to one girl that I recognised from Uni, for quite a long time, and everybody else I just shut out. Not because I didn't want to talk to them; I was dying to talk to them. But I couldn't. Because I didn't feel validated, I didn't feel accepted, there were these girls, in their acid washed jeans, perfect haircuts and gladiator heels, and they just scared the shit out of me. I was terrified of meeting new people, talking to them, showing them who I was.

And so I became withdrawn, not just withdrawn, but angry at my ex for supposedly abandoning me with strangers. I ended up having a few too many and bursting into tears in the backyard, calling a friend and begging her to come pick me up. And when my ex came down and asked me what was wrong, I could only cry. I couldn't give him a proper reason, because back then I didn't know what the reason was either.

But it was only a short while ago that I discovered how his friends, at that party, thought of me as a bitch. And called me high maintennance. I know I have been stressing over this label for weeks now; I know the average person would be thinking 'who gives a shit, honestly', but you try going somewhere, and meaning well, but being unable to break out of your own cage and ultimately being completely misunderstood and despised, being labelled as the exact opposite of what you were trying to be. And no, not just on the one occasion, but almost every time you meet somebody new.

Probably the whole reason for this is because you have such a low sense of self-esteem, that you know before meeting somebody that they will hate you, or at the very least find you boring and unattractive. And then when you do meet them, you are boring and unattractive, because you fucking told yourself you would be, and that's all you know how to behave as.

A strange thought, isn't it? And it's been bugging me for so long. I haven't even managed to explain it properly. But it's one of my many problems, and if it wasn't for Waz I would not be able to understand or appreciate the severity of the handicap that this problem places on me. In the past few days, Waz and I have fought, come together, broken up and reunited, and after much soul-searching I have realised that he is the one I live for. And it's sad, because he never needed to realise this; he had known it all along. And I'm finally catching up to him, and the love between us feels brand new, because I am now seeing him in a completely different light. I can honest to God say that he is the only person who really made an effort to understand my problems; the only person to love me, despite what my problems imposed on my behaviour, and our relationship, the only person who could ever bring such a huge positive out of a negative. Faith can move mountains, and I really do believe that Waz has faith in me, and just knowing that gives me faith in myself.

Now, I look back at my other relationships and I laugh. If they weren't just stupid boys chasing pretty things, then they were people in love with my qualities, and that love faded when my qualities faded away. They 'loved' me because I was this and that, or they wanted me because they wanted a root. And it's become apparent to me that they were all dumbasses.

Well no, I can't call them that, but to be quite honest, I actually feel sorry for them. Because they have never really had the privelege of falling in love with a person, and loving every tiny aspect of them, every corner of their mind, every little thing they do. They may have thought they were in love with me, but the truth is they weren't, because their love dissapeared when our relationships crumbled. They were only ever in love with my presence.

And I pity them, because I don't think they will ever truly understand what it means to love a person so much that you are unwilling to let them go, even after they have hurt you, and shown you how utterly confused they are on the inside; instead, you fight for them, dig to the root of the problem and destroy it, or at least make it your aim in life to destroy it. And that is exactly what he did. He is like my hero.

I don't think I have ever understood a love as deep as me and Waz, because I have never understood anything, period. I just took things as they came, never appreciating it, never stopping to think about what it truly was, and what it truly meant to me. Well, I am stopping to think about things now. And I can honestly say that I have never felt more appreciated, more wonderful, more loved. And I will never appreciate another man, because Waz is the only man out there for me.

And I know I'm still a baby, but after what happened I feel a thousand times older, like I've thrown away the old looking-glass and been gifted with a new one. And I am so grateful to Waz for everything he has put up with, not only in the past few days but in the past 4 months, and he had better realise that I am going to spend the rest of my days proving to him how grateful I am. He is so beautiful, when he laughs, when he cries, when he gets mad and stomps around the house. When he talks with his mouth full of food, when he calls me by my Chinese name, when he just lies there and tells me to hug him! When he says he doesn't want a massage but we both know that he will give in 5 seconds later. When he drives to my house in his blue Astra and walks to my front door and I never have the key. When he tells me I'm beautiful and that he loves me. I smile because he smiles, and he smiles because I smile. I love you baby, you've got me feeling sky high.

It's been an absolutely exhausting few days, and when I get the time to, I will sit down and write out everything that needs to be. But right now, I am just going to watch TV and eat a bowl of noodles, not the instant crap but home made beef and vegetable soup with egg noodles, and enjoy the quiet for a little bit.

Updating this soon.