I have to wake up and stop being a baby. I have to realise that what I'm doing right now isn't good for me. Get smart and get on top of things. I don't even know what the hell I can call the past 2 months of my life. It was a chapter in which I acted like a complete moron, and the regret is only just beggining to sink in. And not only regret; but also anger, and loathing, and sadness. I was fine with it all until tonight, before I had the opportunity to 'visualise' things. Lucky me. But next time I'll be smart, and composed, and think before I act, and learn to be the shrewdest girl you'd ever met. Hey, it's already happening with the alcohol. (Sort of). So thanks for trying to contact me. That was sarcastic by the way! You're just another person to do my head in this year. But no, it's probably not the person you'd think it was.
So why do I bother when I KNOW this is how I'm going to end up feeling. Why do I still go through with it....? It's not worth it in the end, I knew it never was. It's nothing, but thats only how you see it. I have to find a way out of this cycle.
I'm such a pushover.
"christina get in the car"
"ok"
"christina get stir fry instead"
"ok"
"kiss me"
"ok"
When will I learn to SAY NO!
Also it could just be me, the only person in the whole world who thinks this way, but Dark Knight wasn't THAT good. *SPOILERS MIGHT FOLLOW* I know the movie set box office records, but in some ways I think Ledger's death played a huge factor for the success of an otherwise only half-decent movie. Am I being too fussy here? The dialogue was fairly boring and cliched (except for the few wise cracks Alfred made), I thought Maggie Gyllenhaal was all wrong for the part, she had no chemistry with Aaron Eckhart, whose transformation into Harvey Two-Face I did not believe for one second...come on, the Joker goes and visits him and says a couple of lines and suddenly Two-Face has no will for vengeance against him, but is bent on destroying the innocents of Gotham?? Christian Bale was incredibly hot, and suited the role, but then again that man doesn't ever make mistakes with movie choices! And he did have more chemistry with Maggie, it was nowhere near as awkward/mismatched as her and Eckhart seemed.
And the JOKER...
Well, he was good. Great, even. Oscar quality. Always one step ahead of Gotham, what a genius. Outsmarted Batman quite often too. In fact Batman became much more of a dumbass in this movie. But look at THIS JOKER:
Sexy, no? Probably not as kid-friendly, but sooooo much cooler looking....I think beneath Heath's makeup you could actually sort of tell that he was an attractive guy, and he had really decent guns in the movie too, which were also tanned, and all in all he was maybe a tad too hot for the role. But THIS JOKER....pure evil. No mistaking what he is. Anyway I'm gonna shut up now.
You wake up to a gorgeous day, the type that you've been waiting for all winter, and you're too hungover to do anything other then sit in front of a computer screen for hours on end. You took another puff or two last night and today your singing voice is better than ever. You drank way more than usual, but ended up semi-sober. Right now your makeup is smudged everywhere, Heath Ledger style. You want noodle soup but the fridge is as empty as your stomach. You hooked up with a guy whom you might consider cute, but hes already seeing someone. Makin wrong decisions is a talent. Bad luck little girl.
I love the fact that I can watch youtube at work. I know, how sad is that? At home, youtube is a thing of the past (with me being like permanently capped and also having no sound). So today I was just searching for anything that came to mind, which for me tends to be people sitting on their beds playing their guitars and singing. I love that sort of stuff. And the best one I could find was this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UNK2L8-V5dQ (I dunno if I can put the video directly up, I sort of don't think my computer can handle it) So I've been on the site all day looking at endless displays of talent and the best clip turned out to be a fobby dude covering Soulja Boy acoustic style. Made me wet my pants from laughter.
Another thing that's been wearing me down all week (are you reading Tait?) is my mum. AGAIN. She's been bagging me nonstop for no apparent reason! In the past three days shes made comments about my hair, eyes, complexion, breath (ew i know), boobs (she called them SAGGY, the 50 year old calling MINE saggy), and weight.
Anyway I just lost the motivation to blog halfway through this. I'll update later!
Hmm.
Theres so much that I want to write about, but I don't know how to express it all. You know when you have all these thoughts inside your head and you can't get them out? Because you're afraid that the way you write them down is not gonna do what you're really thinking any justice. So I'm going to leave it. For now. Give it time and I'll know what to say. Or maybe when enough time has passed I won't even want to write about it anymore. Who knows, I'm always second guessing myself anyway.
I am surrounded by so much paper its not funny. I seriously think i have like 10,000 peices of paper around me. I'm going to dream about paper tonight. I hate paper.
Last night I slept about 4 hours, then this morning woke up at 7 30. My skin is greyish and my eyes bags are hanging halfway down my face. Where is lunch!? I can smell everyone elses lunch. I want a McAsia baaaadd!
I 've been listening to new old music (new to me but actually pretty old) to expand my comparatively tiny playlist and I can't tell if it's actually good or not. I got some Mos Def, Handsome Boy Modelling School, Johnny Cash, Portishead, No Doubt, The Script, Imogen Heap and Carrie Underwood. I even downloaded a song by Tila Tequila....omg! What's happening to me?? I guess I just wanted to hear what her sucky music sounded like. Lol. If anyone reads this, you hav to listen to Andy Warhol by Little Birdy, Ex-Girlfriend by No Doubt and Hurt by Johnny Cash. Those songs are describing my mood down to a teeeee. Little Birdy are amazing, I have to go to one of their gigs in the near future. My fingers are itching for some guitar strings to pluck, I wanna learn these songs as soon as I can!
So anyway, being the emo person that I am, with emo being my default mood right now, I can never run out of things to complain about: e.g, I hate this weather so much. Winter is NO. Everyone is freezing. Oh hang on, maybe some people are warm- my friend once said to me, that in winter you're supposed to settle down with someone so that you can cuddle them and keep warm through the freezing nights. Isn't that sooo romantic? IF YOU ACTUALLY HAVE SOMEONE, that is. I want summer to come back. Now. Because I want to eat watermelon and not wear shoes and tan my shoulders, and also because I don't want to think about my friends theory.
Anyway, I'm sort of trying to ramble because I really really need a break from printing and filing tax invoices and credit adjustment notes and placement orders and whatever else they decide to give me. God there is so much paper on my desk. The stacks are so big. I hate paper so much.
Im temping at my mums work and omg, it is a party and a half. im using a lappy the size of a dictionary to destroy a half a rainforest, i have to print tax invoices, all 4000 of them...
So i get through about 2000, and my mum walks in and asks...'can u finish this by wednesday night?'
And im like PFFT OF COURSE, this is sooo easy!
Then the office guy walks in and says hey, when u finish printing, ill show u how to scan all the pages...
I have to stick 4000 peices of paper in a scanner, one by one, and scan them all. this is gonna be really fun.
This fat chinese cleaner guy just walked in, and vaccuumed all around me without saying anything. Now hes gone into in office across from me and hes talking about me. I think he's yet to realise that glass walls aren't soundproof.
Net Comm lost my final assessment peice. Therefore I received a fail. But THEY WERE THE ONES WHO LOST IT! So I didn't actually fail fail. Win =]
Ok so I know I'm over-blogging a bit, but something tonight just struck me as puzzling; I've had the shittest week ever, I have no money, no (real) phone, lost alot of dignity, sobriety and self-esteem (haha) and have failed two of my exams. I got yelled at tonight at work even though I had been working hard (and making zero mistakes for once), but I finished work kind of happy. I was trying to distance myself from all those depressing thoughts and it was actually working. In all respects, I had learned to "turn my frown upside down". And for a second there, I thought I had somehow been transformed into an optimist. And then later on it all fell apart because of that one person. And then I realised that I had been happy earlier on because everything I screwed up this week didn't matter nearly so much to me as that person did. And now it's gone and I don't know where to go from here.
So the University of Melbourne has officially confirmed to me that I am a dumbass. I'm just doomed to NOT pass. I don't wanna say the f-word (and its not fuck), but man I am good at getting alot of those f-words. Just when I was having a really awesome day, for no particular reason (and I'm hardly ever in a fantastic mood for no particular reason) Melbourne Uni goes and shits all over me. Why do I always have to be reminded of the fact that no matter how hard I try, I can never do well enough? I just want to know what I did wrong! Why am I able to communicate with fellow students in a way that makes me believe that we sit on equal levels in terms of intellect, but when assessment time comes around I get the f-word and they get the h1? Am I really that oblivious to my own stupidity? Does my true destiny lie in street-cleaning or poop-scooping or being someones maid? WILL I ALWAYS BE THIS STUPID!?
She said "I'll throw myself away,
They're just photos after all."
I can't make you hang around.
I can't wash you off my skin.
Outside the frame, is what we're leaving out
You won't remember anyway.
I can go
With the flow
Don't say it doesn't matter anymore
I can go
With the flow
Do you believe it in your head?
It's so safe to play along
Little soldiers in a row
Falling in and out of love
Something sweet to throw away.
I want something good to die for
To make it beautiful to live.
I want a new mistake, loses more than hesitates.
Do you believe it in your head?
I can go with the flow
Don't say it doesn't matter anymore
I can go with the flow
Do you believe it in your head?
I win at life.
My phone (aka my life) has dissapeared off the face of the earth and I ruined an entire night out before it even properly started. I spent half the time throwing up and got kicked out before midnight.
And the taxi guy ripped me off. I bet he stole my phone too!
I need scrambled eggs and sausages and grilled tomato and onions and hash browns and toast with butter and OJ... but at the same time thinking about food makes me sick. And I think I've got a grand total of $2 left. Like I said I win at life.
