miss stina

What does it mean to be a bad person?

Are you a bad person if you steal? What if you are stealing from others because you feel that all the posessions you own are worthless? Are you a bad person if you lie? What if you lie because you think how you truly feel may hurt someone? What if you lie about your life because you feel like you've got to, because you're so unhappy with the way things are, with the way you are? Are you a bad person if you envy others? Are you a bad person for hating someones success? Do all these things indicate that you're a bad person, or do they just indicate that you have a bad case of low self-esteem?

Am I a bad person because no matter how much people seem to like me, or how much they perceive me as a good person, deep down I just feel like I'm always the exact opposite? Theres a song by Three Day's Grace called Pain. It goes I can't get enough... cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all...maybe that's what I'm doing. Maybe I'm addicted to feeling depressed. When I'm high, I'm high, but when I'm low I'm just unbelievably low. There are days when I'm convinced that I am worth nothing, there are days when I look at my mother and can tell she had hoped for something better. I can't fathom how I'm always just stuck in this rut; thinking the worst of everything and of myself when theres nothing to feel bad about, trying to justify every pessimistic thought some way or another and just never really taking any action to change it once and for all. The more I dig, the deeper I fall, and the harder it is for me to crawl out.

And it's crazy because I know that in a couple of nights time, I'm going to be in a cheerful again, and my short-term memory will refuse to acknowledge that such a sad episode as tonights ever existed at all. And then, what a surprise, the cheeriness will eventually wear away, and I'll be wanting another chance to wallow in some more depression. I'm just insane these days.