miss stina

At first I was going to do a bit of thinking before this entry. I think I made that pretty clear in my last one. Figure out what I was going to say, make it articulate, make it work. Make it interesting to read. But honestly, I don't want to dress up my words anymore. To be honest I've never impulsively blogged before, there always has to be some kind of issue at hand, that I've meditated over, that I eventually determine how to express through my words on this thing. But blogging whatever I felt, at that exact moment in which I felt it, no. I can't do that.

Because it puts me on the spot and it makes me fret over whether or not the entry sounded just right, whether it made me come across as the type of person I wanted. It's all very stressful, it's so unnecessary and stupid, and it's something that I avoid, because I have always avoided stress, in addition to confrontation, and the possibility of being misunderstood.

But I'm misunderstood anyway. So I guess it doesn't really matter. I've decided, in recent times, that it's probably best to just go with my intuition, and say or write what I am actually thinking, in that moment, instead premeditating and searching for the socially desirable answer, or the answer that would win me more friends.

Let me tell you a story.

Back in August this year, I went to a party with an ex-boyfriend. I had met some of his friends before, but never such a big crowd within the one setting, everybody talking, drinking and sticking to their own social clan. I knew, even before going to the party, that I would be painfully shy and unable to talk to many people. I knew this, but thought that maybe if I just went and winged it, things would not turn out so badly.

Well, they did. My ex did not hold on to my hand all night; this made me nervous. I talked to one girl that I recognised from Uni, for quite a long time, and everybody else I just shut out. Not because I didn't want to talk to them; I was dying to talk to them. But I couldn't. Because I didn't feel validated, I didn't feel accepted, there were these girls, in their acid washed jeans, perfect haircuts and gladiator heels, and they just scared the shit out of me. I was terrified of meeting new people, talking to them, showing them who I was.

And so I became withdrawn, not just withdrawn, but angry at my ex for supposedly abandoning me with strangers. I ended up having a few too many and bursting into tears in the backyard, calling a friend and begging her to come pick me up. And when my ex came down and asked me what was wrong, I could only cry. I couldn't give him a proper reason, because back then I didn't know what the reason was either.

But it was only a short while ago that I discovered how his friends, at that party, thought of me as a bitch. And called me high maintennance. I know I have been stressing over this label for weeks now; I know the average person would be thinking 'who gives a shit, honestly', but you try going somewhere, and meaning well, but being unable to break out of your own cage and ultimately being completely misunderstood and despised, being labelled as the exact opposite of what you were trying to be. And no, not just on the one occasion, but almost every time you meet somebody new.

Probably the whole reason for this is because you have such a low sense of self-esteem, that you know before meeting somebody that they will hate you, or at the very least find you boring and unattractive. And then when you do meet them, you are boring and unattractive, because you fucking told yourself you would be, and that's all you know how to behave as.

A strange thought, isn't it? And it's been bugging me for so long. I haven't even managed to explain it properly. But it's one of my many problems, and if it wasn't for Waz I would not be able to understand or appreciate the severity of the handicap that this problem places on me. In the past few days, Waz and I have fought, come together, broken up and reunited, and after much soul-searching I have realised that he is the one I live for. And it's sad, because he never needed to realise this; he had known it all along. And I'm finally catching up to him, and the love between us feels brand new, because I am now seeing him in a completely different light. I can honest to God say that he is the only person who really made an effort to understand my problems; the only person to love me, despite what my problems imposed on my behaviour, and our relationship, the only person who could ever bring such a huge positive out of a negative. Faith can move mountains, and I really do believe that Waz has faith in me, and just knowing that gives me faith in myself.

Now, I look back at my other relationships and I laugh. If they weren't just stupid boys chasing pretty things, then they were people in love with my qualities, and that love faded when my qualities faded away. They 'loved' me because I was this and that, or they wanted me because they wanted a root. And it's become apparent to me that they were all dumbasses.

Well no, I can't call them that, but to be quite honest, I actually feel sorry for them. Because they have never really had the privelege of falling in love with a person, and loving every tiny aspect of them, every corner of their mind, every little thing they do. They may have thought they were in love with me, but the truth is they weren't, because their love dissapeared when our relationships crumbled. They were only ever in love with my presence.

And I pity them, because I don't think they will ever truly understand what it means to love a person so much that you are unwilling to let them go, even after they have hurt you, and shown you how utterly confused they are on the inside; instead, you fight for them, dig to the root of the problem and destroy it, or at least make it your aim in life to destroy it. And that is exactly what he did. He is like my hero.

I don't think I have ever understood a love as deep as me and Waz, because I have never understood anything, period. I just took things as they came, never appreciating it, never stopping to think about what it truly was, and what it truly meant to me. Well, I am stopping to think about things now. And I can honestly say that I have never felt more appreciated, more wonderful, more loved. And I will never appreciate another man, because Waz is the only man out there for me.

And I know I'm still a baby, but after what happened I feel a thousand times older, like I've thrown away the old looking-glass and been gifted with a new one. And I am so grateful to Waz for everything he has put up with, not only in the past few days but in the past 4 months, and he had better realise that I am going to spend the rest of my days proving to him how grateful I am. He is so beautiful, when he laughs, when he cries, when he gets mad and stomps around the house. When he talks with his mouth full of food, when he calls me by my Chinese name, when he just lies there and tells me to hug him! When he says he doesn't want a massage but we both know that he will give in 5 seconds later. When he drives to my house in his blue Astra and walks to my front door and I never have the key. When he tells me I'm beautiful and that he loves me. I smile because he smiles, and he smiles because I smile. I love you baby, you've got me feeling sky high.