miss stina

I felt like blogging but I wasn't completely sure about what to write.

My life is a fish bowl, I think.

I feel like a fish, swimming round and round in circles, and everytime I shit it just ends up hitting me in the face again because all I know how to do is swim in a circle and return to the shit. Metaphorically. See I don't even know if that makes sense. All I know is that I am just really tired of being who I am. It's like living with someone who annoys the shit out of you, everyday, for the rest of your life. Only I'm the one annoying myself.

I annoy myself because I can't make my life match my intentions. And I annoy myself because I never get around to fixing my own flaws. Probably a little unreasonable, I guess. You can't just expect these kinds of problems to go away. Flaws can't always be fixed. No matter how well-intentioned I may be, I end up doing stupid shit that gets me nowhere- that keeps me going in circles. This is how I have been for as long as I remember. I went out with my family for dinner tonight and I remember seeing people on the streets, just walking around, completely immersed in their own lives, in their own private thoughts, moments, situations. And then I remember thinking really wearily, fuck. My life is about them. My life is just about dealing with others. Everyones life is about dealing with others. At the end of the day I just spend my life working out who I'm gonna work for, who I'm gonna impress, who I will be taking care of, who I am letting down, who I love, hate, feel indifferent towards, who I'm going to treat like a king and who I'm going to treat like shit. My life is just going to be all about meeting people, nominating them, rearranging all the little figures in my life, establishing some kind of network and just spending the rest of my life trying to deal with that network, those figures.

I know this barely even makes sense. I wonder if those other people feel as dissatisfied with themselves as I do. I wonder if they know that they may think they're living for themselves, but they're actually living for the rest of the world. I have a tiny but perfect example (well it seems perfect to me anyway). My mother was complaining that everyone in her workplace is sick, and that now when she goes to work she's going to become sick too. So I said to her, why don't you just wear a mouth guard to work. My grandparents walk around with mouthgaurds on all the time. I told her, you can take it off when you deal with outside clients but when you're just at that computer all day,you can wear a mouth guard. Anyway she looked at me like I was crazy. I can't do that, she said, people are going to think I'm crazy. Well fine, I said, enjoy your cold. It's not about doing things to protect yourself, it's about doing things to protect other peoples perception of who you are. In a perfect world, where people aren't dickheads and judge each other for things like that, my mum would be able to wear a mouth gaurd to work and not get sick. In a perfect world, people will not think I'm insane for putting tomato sauce on rice. For fucks sake, they're just 2 food ingredients, I will put them together if I want to. God did not create a bunch of food and then say that we could only eat certain things together. People who create so many rules for life should just get over themselves. And in a perfect world, I will be able to voice everything I am thinking, and my voice will reach everyone I want it to, and they will understand who I am.

I am even reading what I have written and thinking that I sound fucking stupid. I think the whole point to this is that tonight, just tonight, I'm tired of people. I'm tired of trying to figure people out when I can't even figure myself out. I give myself a headache just thinking about useless shit. <----see? Another flaw that I have to fix, but won't.