I don't think I really care about anything anymore. I'm not intending for that to sound depressed or anything, I just don't think anything really matters that much to me right now. I think I'm happy :) And I've had alot of caffeine and it's really put me in a funny mood
I think at a number of points in your life you kind of need to sit back and figure out what you're doing with yourself.
On one hand, it's like hey, things aren't so bad. I'm at uni, actually going to class these days, I've got a steady job, I'm getting along with my mother for the first time in two decades and I just got my tax return. So far, so good.
Then you think about the fact that the one person you adore probably hates you because of a thoughtless, heartless thing that you did to her, and it's probably altered the course of the future for good. It's probably affected everything in your life, from what time you fall asleep at night, to the first thoughts that run through your head as you awake. It's affected the way you talk to others, the way you talk to yourself, how you judge your own character, how you judge others. It's got you feeling like complete and utter scum of the universe.
I've got this friend and I love her to bits. She's not the friend who only talks to me when the weekends coming up, nor is she the friend who uses me to vent and whine about every miniscule detail in their lives. She's not the friend who I see about once a month, who I swear to catch up with more often but I don't. She's not the friend who is secretly trying to get into my pants, or the friend who is trying to set me up with another friend. No. This girl gets everything right, down to a tee, and that's because she understands me. She's amazing and gorgeous and brilliant. She understands how I work and how I think. Probably better than even I did, because I obviously didn't understand a thing about myself if I went ahead and dogged her the way that I did. And I don't know what the hell is going on now. I feel like a giant peice of crap. As a friend described to me a long time ago, the two words I'm probably looking for to describe how I'm feeling- morally bankrupt.
But the fact of the matter is, Life is not about sticking to a moralistic path. It's about losing morals and (maybe) finding them again. People learn. People, by all means, lie and cheat and steal and throw away their souls. But they learn, or I hope they learn, to stop. But the problem is, you can only learn to stop after you've been punished. Or lost something important to you. Which I know I have. I've lost her, and I've lost faith in myself, and I've lost a large part of my self-worth.
People probably think I'm going overboard with this. Well, maybe I am because let's face it ya'll, its bloody 1am in the morning and I haven't had a decent nights sleep in a week. So I am in a bit of an intense mood. Not to mention the fact that earlier on tonight, I visited my grandparents and they were in the middle of writing a declaration of some sort, and I thought they were writing out their will. They are one of the last family members I have and the thought of losing them made me suddenly burst out crying, and I cried like I never cried before. For longer than I've ever cried. And I think I'm still on edge from that. Very on edge. I should shut up now.
I miss her.
Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking.
It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
I Corinthians 13:4-8
For everything there is a season,
And a time for every matter under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to seek, and a time to lose;
A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
A time to tear, and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate,
A time for war, and a time for peace.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
Haven't blogged in AGES! Which is kind of weird since theres been so much on my mind. Why haven't I taken the chance to vent it out over good old blogspot? No idea. Maybe I just can't be bothered typing it allllll out- it would probably take me all day.
Tell me, is it normal to constantly feel like your own actions are upsetting others, even when they're making you happy? Maybe it's just how humans behave, always having to restrain themselves from doing what they REALLY want to do because they're scared of the consequences. Always wanting what they can't have, taking for granted what they do have, yearning to do something that they can't, feeling unsatisfied with what they're permitted to do on the daily basis of their measly little lives. God I feel like there is such an injustice going on here. What are we doing, really- are we doing what we want to do, or are we doing what is expected of us? Do we even think about what we really wanna do anymore, or has it become such a taboo to do that, that we just let the idea sink away into our subconscious and eventually disappear? Sigh. I'm really sick of my life as it is. I'm sick of everyone having a different opinion about my life. If I already had a clear idea of who I am and what I want to do, I wouldn't be finding everyone else's conflicting opinions of me to be such a headfuck. I'm completely sick of this!
And one more thing. Life really seemed to be a lot more simple when I was in a relationship. Kind of funny how I thought things would change but they ended up changing for the worst.
SIGH. Look at the length! True, it was mostly split ends at the bottom by the time it had grown to this length, but at least it was long...
Short hey? Haha, I'm being a drama queen. It isn't actually that short, because it only looks like that from the front. Including the back part, it looks like this.
I don't really know what to think of it, because most of the other girls in the pageant seem to have hair grown down to their asses, and it's very well known that in Chinese culture long hair is a symbol of beauty. So my short(ish) looking hair is kind of out of place atm. But anyway enough with the complaining already. On a completely unrelated topic, these are lovely:
From Waz, for our 9 month. They are quite amazing because they're hardly showing any sign of wilting, and they've been sitting in my ill-air conditioned room basking in the glow of my computer monitor for like 5 days already. Love you Waz :)
One last thing, since this has become such a pictureful blog, I really must say that I've had the worst late-night food cravings EVER in the past few days, and the only 3 places open past midnight are Kebabs, China Bar and good old Maccas. Kebabs I love, but always make the BIGGEST mess eating them, and I don't trust the rats that hang around the Kebab joint since they are the size of small dogs. And maccas...well there is such thing as too much of a good thing!So last night Alison and I went to China Bar and I ordered the Nasi Lemak, which was sooo yummy! And now I've got a huge craving for it again, but since I have no one to go with tonight I have to settle for looking at pictures of it :( Sad I know but I love my food and I'm also quite bored.
Rice cooked in coconut milk with curry chicken, preserved vegetables, anchovies and peanuts on the side. MMmm. Food porn.
I'm glad I never slept tonight.
It's now almost 7am and I have been sitting here for a while. Thinking instead of sleeping. Well, not really thinking. I'm kind of in that weird state of not really being conscious and focused but with eyes that are still open, and seeing. I only realised something about 20 minutes ago, which kind of shows how long it took for the thought to occur to me (after all, I could have had this thought at ANY stage...but chose to only after 7 hours of sitting here).
I think I really do focus on the wrong things in life. For example, I always focus on the bad. And I always focus on what's wrong with the world, or what's wrong with other people. (Most of all, I secretly focus on what's wrong with me, but I try to keep that inside more- not working? Oh well.) Not only this, but I always focus on the surface value. Whether it's looks, or relationships with people, or relationships between other people- I give too much thought to the superficiality of things- and I'm sure someone wise and knowledgable would say how that shouldn't matter at all.
I relate pleasure to physical attraction. Being attractive, envying others who are attractive, admiring things that are attractive and aesthetically pleasing- not only is this a flawed way of perceiving things, it can be the downright WRONG outlook in plenty of situations. I seek validation for myself and for others, and judge others by physical attributes way too often. Sigh. Not an easy habit to change, once it's been formed and set in concrete.
Sometimes you just have to dissociate people's personalities from their looks. Easier said than done of course, but in the end you will think and see more clearly.
What is ugly on the outside but still beautiful inside? I tried to consider possible answers for that...my first thought was 'pug dogs'. Lol. True, they're pretty ugly on the outside whilst still being a cute, friendly breed of dog, but I don't think they quite fit into what I'm trying to work out. Second thought was 'my mum's cooking'. Her stews look like colorful vomit, but taste kinda good. Emphasis on the 'kinda'- maybe they're not so beautiful after all. Anyway, just as I was writing this, I thought of one thing.
You know that saying 'The road to hell is paved with good intentions?', well I think that is a good example of my little puzzle. OK, the saying doesn't fit perfectly here but it's sort of similar. Sometimes we do things, and say things, and behave in ways that are shocking, cruel, aggresive, terrible, you name it it could be done. Basically, we do things that are 'ugly'. But we have good intentions inside, intentions that may have gone askew, and that nonetheless makes us beautiful inside (despite how we interact on the outside). There are plenty of times where my intentions have gone askew, but to dwell on that would be a waste of time now. The only way is forward. The only way to set my life into forward motion is improvement. Not just aesthetic improvement, however necessary I think that may be, but to reconfigure my intentions and my outlook on life. And I don't doubt for a second that doing that will get me to where I wanna be. So it's 7:20am now, and I think I might sleep soon. I'll probably look back on this entry and think I was being delirious, in fact I AM delirious right now, and my shoulders hurt from hunching over the computer for so long. But I had to write all this.
:)
I absolutely LOVE this song and its lyrics:
46&2- Tool
My shadow's
Shedding skin
I've been picking
Scabs again.
I'm down
Digging through
My old muscles
Looking for a clue.
I've been crawling on my belly
Clearing out what could've been.
I've been wallowing in my own confused
And insecure delusions
For a piece to cross me over
Or a word to guide me in.
I wanna feel the changes coming down.
I wanna know what I've been hiding in
My shadow..my shadow
Change is coming through my shadow.
My shadow's shedding skin
I've been picking
My scabs again.
I've been crawling on my belly
Clearing out what could've been.
I've been wallowing in my own chaotic
And insecure delusions.
I wanna feel the change consume me,
Feel the outside turning in.
I wanna feel the metamorphosis and
Cleansing I've endured within
My shadow, my shadow
Change is coming.
Now is my time.
Listen to my muscle memory.
Contemplate what I've been clinging to.
Forty-six and two ahead of me.
I choose to live and to
Grow, take and give and to
Move, learn and love and to
Cry, kill and die and to
Be paranoid and to
Lie, hate and fear and to
Do what it takes to move through.
I choose to live and to
Lie, kill and give and to
Die, learn and love and to
Do what it takes to step through.
See my shadow changing,
Stretching up and over me.
Soften this old armor.
Hoping I can clear the way
By stepping through my shadow,
Coming out the other side.
Step into the shadow.
Forty six and two are just ahead of me.
Although I don't have a very in-depth understanding about this song, 46 + 2 refers to the number of chromosomes in the human body. A normal, intelligent human being carries 46 chromosomes, but this still isn't the highest level of evolution. There is a higher level we can evolve to, one with 48 chromosomes (or 46+2), and at this level we are at a state of ultimate consciousness, almost divine in nature, enlightened, powerful, etc etc. basically we can acheive what no other human being can.
But in order to get to this level we must first shed the skin of our previous form, change ourselves, believe in something (anything) that gives us enough strength and understanding to evolve to the next level. I think this song is about the struggle involved in trying to 'do what it takes to move through', or basically break out of your own shell and undergo metamorphisis. I relate it to running down a hallway that never finishes, towards a door that you can never reach, attempting to open it and find a stronger, more intelligent, incredibly potent new version of yourself. This song is sung and played with a kind of guttural feel...very dark and haunting in my opinion. But still brilliant :)
If I could draw you
I'd use up all the colors
Just trying
To draw who you are.
If I could read your mind
I'd cover the entire map
Just trying
To find out where your mind has been before.
If I could see things through your eyes
I'd stare back at myself
Just trying
To know how you see me.
If I could sing for you
I'd never run out of breath
Just trying
To make you hear me.
I could draw you
Sing for you
See how you do.
I could love you
Understand you
And only you.
But nothing compares,
To hearing the same
From you,
Just trying,
To tell me
That you feel it too...
Come up to meet you,
